Altitude Sickness – Teetering on the Edge of the Plastic Surgery High Dive

Let me start off by saying that I probably know what your initial response to this post will be.

It is my own initial response to “perfection procedures.”

However…

How can someone get to know and love the real you when you can’t seem to get the time of day?

I’ve always been small. I don’t think I need to spell it out for you intelligent readers. Betrayed by genetics, a childhood of gymnastics and being bound in a unbreatheably tight, ultimate corset-like backbrace during my formative years killed any chance I ever may have had at being a… how can I put it nicely… Victoria’s Secret model. (Although their garments do work wonders…)

Yes, I understand that most models are flatchested.

They’re also 6 feet tall.

I’m also super height/weight conscious. While I can’t do anything about the former, the latter I can control. Usually in a not-so-good way. Sometimes it is the ONLY thing I can control. Enter my emo, non-eater personality. Being a gymnast, it was always formidable to be super small. When I got to high school, I had it in my head that being the skinny girl was my only visible identity.

I still couldn’t get a date, but at least I looked good.

While I never identified with anorexics, I can see shades of it when I look to the past. I wasn’t a crazy dieter and didn’t exercise a million hours a day. Quite frankly, I ate a lot of junk and only danced when I was performing.

PS – I’m still a candy fiend.

I always had stomach issues though. The quest for perfection, whether it be with grades, friends, looks, you name it, stressed me to the point of not being able to eat. I was always worried. ALWAYS. I still am to a large extent.

I also still have eating issues to this day. I have a magic (weight) number that I’m not allowed to go beyond. I flip if I go up a pants size. If there’s even an inkling of heartbreak on the horizon, I go without. I get so worried about time passing and leaving me behind that I can’t bring myself to eat in hopes that staying skinny will magically produce someone of interest.

The thing is, no one really cares. Well, except my ex, but that was honestly ridiculous. Funny how it still can stick with you though.

I see people of all shapes and sizes in successful relationships. How “looksist” am I to judge?

I guess I just don’t understand it all in the grand scheme of things.

I’m funny. I have a ridiculously cool job. I don’t have kids. (Not that that should matter at all, but in this crazy, often stupid, world, it somehow does.) I have a car. I pay my bills. I even have stellar credit in this tanked out economy.

BUT

How can anyone get to know the fabulous Jen Schubert without being willing to approach her?

AND

MORE IMPORTANTLY

Why is she completely invisible?

My friends call me “cute.” I hear that I have a great smile. I don’t scowl or act unattractive in public.

What gives?!

Now I know that this is not the ancient times; I am perfectly able to approach others myself. However, there is just an overwhelming feeling of pride, satisfaction and worthiness associated with being wanted.

It is really hard to go out with my girl friends and see them being approached, talked to, bought drinks, etc.

Just what is it about me that warrants a cellophane existance?

It’s been this way most of my life. What concerns me now is the fact that, like it or not, I am getting older. The bigger chesticle debate is now giving way to pricing of Botox and Restylane. I can’t help but wonder if I can lipo my double chin.

It all boils down to this: If I couldn’t get acknowledged in my 20s, how in the hell am I going to keep up now?

I know full well that in the grand scheme of things “It’s what is inside that counts!” and that only those who love you for who you truly are, warts and all, are worth it.

BUT

When you reach a certain age, are still alone and cannot seem to meet anyone who will give you the time of day, much less take the time to know you,  it does make your mind start wandering…

I’m a rad chick.

I just need a little help here and there.

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~ by sillyauntjen on August 7, 2011.

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