Clunking Along… Toddler Musings in a Grown Up World

But why?

Like a toddler, I often let this question burn a hole through my brain. It plays on repeat at a painfully high volume until I force myself to tune it out. Sometimes it takes a couple of days; in severe cases, years. Chalk it up to a childhood of overachievement… Little Miss Smarty Pants always had to know the answer to everything.

BUT

If there is a reason for everything, what exactly is the reasoning behind the inexplicable behavior of others?

Perusing the dreaded book of face tonight, I ran into a recent picture that got me thinking. It was a photo of someone I was quite smitten with last year. I would have done anything for this person. Point of fact, I did do quite a lot. Oddly enough, I was pushed to the wayside in favor of an abusive ex. I would have loved to have given this person the world, and tried, but ultimately lost out to someone who had gone to jail over their former disputes.

Insanity.

Of course, since I couldn’t explain this behavior, I blamed myself. How in the world could I NOT trump someone who physically laid hands on someone else? I could be completely superficial and go into a rant on physicality, but I am a firm believer of beauty lying in the eyes of the beholder, so this is never a valid argument in my eyes anyway. Simply everything from personality to anger issues… the sheer volume of negatives associated with this other person pushed me over the edge.

The photo?

They were in a picture together.

Surprised? Not a bit. Disappointed? Of course.

I won’t lie. It still stings a bit.

Believe me, I heard it all. “You’re too good for that.” “How could you ever go for X anyway?!” “Not your loss!” I do recognize the toxicity that could have been. At least I was aware of the possibilities.

We won’t go into my rescuing/mothering issues… (Hello codependence!)

Instead we come back to today. Still hurting a bit from another, more recent, failed attempt.

When the heart has been closed off in defense and walled up for protection but someone somehow manages to break through the cracks, it is both terrifying and exhilarating all at the same time. There are moments of frozen panic, wondering what to do and where to go next… pushing yourself in the direction of taking a chance, all the while talking yourself out of it, trying to sneak back behind that wall.

It is a tough pill to swallow when you have allowed yourself to get really excited, and carried away, about such great possibilities, only to find out that they really only ever existed in your head and had no chance of coming true.

Stir in the fatalistic embarrassment factor if you so chose to share that excitement with others.

I try to be all Stewart Smalley about it: “I’m good enough. I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!”

BUT

When the unfortunate, but consistent, result of putting myself out there ultimately ends in rejection, or worse, complete unacknowledgement, it is hard to constantly keep going.

I can only do my best.

But I’ll never stop wondering why…

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~ by sillyauntjen on August 5, 2011.

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