Origins

I’ve always been a writer.

If I wasn’t physically writing down stories, essays or journal entries, I was rewriting movie and television scripts in my head and acting them out in front of my bathroom mirror. At the age of 4, I was an heiress to an oil fortune, at 9, the child of jewel seeking vigilantes, at 11, the niece of a beautiful, smart advertising executive with a hunky housekeeper and at 16, a spy with a wardrobe to die for.

Life hasn’t always been a fantasy, however.

I haven’t always been the happiest of girls, though when asked, most people I’ve known throughout my life will identify me by my smile. Smiles are the best masks that nature has ever made. I’ve always been sensitive and therefore am very susceptible to depression and low self-esteem. Being a perfectionist drives the dagger even deeper. I have gone through several overwhelming personal situations, many of which I am still not capable of sharing… just yet.

A little over a week ago, I was having a conversation with a long-time friend of mine. We share a lot of the same attributes. We met in the theatre and go together like peas and carrots… or most gay men and musical theatre loving women.  🙂 Though we are both pretty fantastic people, if I do say so myself, we both suffer the same self-worth and depression issues. We both seem to be looking for something more but simply cannot find it.

It is frustrating.

I love my friend with all of my heart. I wish he could find someone to love him as much as he deserves. He is a smart, sincere, creative, loving man with so much to offer another human being. So why can’t someone else see that? Why does he put himself down? Why are his words so concerning to me? Why do I have to worry about him so much?

Then, it dawned on me. How many friends have I heard from that have said the same about me? How many depressing, concerning facebook and twitter statuses have I written, putting myself down and “giving up”?

It was then and there that I made a decision. It was now time to start focusing on the positive, however hard that may be.

Daily.

I am a caring person. I deserve to be cared about.

Sure, I may be super competitive, perfectionistic and a tad too sensitive at times, but those are all the things that make me who I am.

Fierce.

Loyal.

Loving.

I often say that I curse the size of my heart. I care too much. I’m too open, leaving myself vulnerable to every sling and arrow.

BUT

I’ve learned that a heart incapable of hurting is also incapable of loving.

So, here I am, seeking out and celebrating the good.  It’s not that bad days don’t exist, for obviously they do, but I am working VERY diligently to brush off the sad and embrace the happy.

Open up to others.

Smile and speak kindly.

Share as much as you can, whenever you can, with whomever you can.

I encourage you all to do the same!

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~ by sillyauntjen on February 6, 2011.

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